Thursday 9th June 2016 (1.30pm)
So today is the day I have kind of been dreading, its my 4th wedding anniversary; first without ‘A’. Not quite sure how I feel? In some respect I feel empty, alone, lost and a failure. We have been in text contact this morning. I really need to figure out how I am going to move forward, but I really do not know. I quite enjoyed my spin class. I tucked myself at the back out of the way and it did take my mind off things momentarily. I did not end up meeting with my friend as she could not make it. No doubt we will meet next week instead.
After the gym I headed into Roath to collect something. I had a nice walk around as a reminder of my student days (over 20 years ago). I had such a great time there as a student (now I feel old). I had a look in a book shop (which seems to be my new addiction) but I didn’t pick anything up.
I am writing this in Coffee #1 in Penarth. My drink today was free as I had enough stamps on my loyalty card (yippie). All helps now I am watching my pennies (supposed to be anyway).
I have had text messages from three different friends. I have not replied to all yet. Last night I deactivated my Facebook account as I was afraid that I would get ‘happy anniversary’ messages. I think the majority of people who I am linked to either know, have worked it out, or do not know its our anniversary. I have now reactivated as I can quickly delete messages now I am awake!
I am not sure what my plans are for the rest of the day. It is warm but not overly sunny like it has been which is typical as I have my shorts on. No doubt I will go for a walk somewhere. I just need to be out and about keeping as busy as possible. I may even go to the bakery and treat myself to a pasty and cake! I do however feel guilty about eating such foods now (which has never happened before). I have never been concerned about my weight or had to diet but I want to maintain what I am. It must be part of the depression but again I feel like I do not want to eat. So far today I have eaten a bread roll in the car after the gym. Not sure what is going on in this mad brain of mine.
Whilst having depression is one of the hardest things I have had to deal with, it is also one of the best things which could have happened to me. To finally realise, get help and be able to switch my brain off before it blew up has really made me reflect on life. Moving forward, I know and accept that I have an illness which now I will be better placed to deal with. I appreciate that there will be peaks and troughs but I have a benchmark now of how low I was and I know that after getting through that I can get through anything. I have the support of family, friends and professionals but I know that this is something which I have to do and work out for myself. At the moment I am probably 4/10.
I wish I was a little more descriptive in my writing so I could explain what I am looking at and what is going on around me. I am currently sitting on a rock at Barry Island headlands (if that is what it is called). I always seem to find a rock, and I have found one on top of the cliff looking towards The Knap. I have wondered what it would be like to jump – don’t worry, I have no intention of doing so. The tide is out and I would just splam myself onto the rocks below which would no doubt be very painful! I could sit here for ages but my bum is going numb. I am sitting right under Cardiff airport flight path, watching the planes above me and thinking of their intended destination.
I have decided to try more classes at the gym and be more sociable (within reason). Meeting new people would be good for me. Does this mean I am coming out of my isolated phase? Nah, I don’t think so. A couple of friends have messaged me about meeting up but I have not yet responded. It feels like I have a fear of making plans and meeting up with people. This may all seem contradictory but I am unable to explain this. Will I ever completely understand me?
I decided that because it is a nice evening I would make the most of it and enjoy a change of scenery. I am sitting on a bench at The Knap dedicated, in loving memory of Keith overlooking the pebble beach and sea. As I was walking earlier, I was reminded of when I was younger growing up in Tenby. The summers always seemed hotter then, as I was forever down the beach either after school or in the holidays. I always enjoyed jumping the sea, that is probably why I am drawn to live where I do. I am lucky to have the beach on my doorstep. Maybe I have not appreciated it for many years and just take it for granted, but over the last few weeks it has been nice to visit. The smell of fish and chips is also a reminder of home and I was tempted to get some, but once again I get reminded of a new found discipline with food, not sure how long it will last. Suddenly the thought of pasta and sauce when I get home is not so appealing. Being down Barry Island earlier reminded me of how much I hate f@@king (sorry about the language) seagulls!
2/10 – I am home now feeling overwhelmed and restless. I feel that I cant keep still and that I need to be out. I have had a number of people messaging me and I feel as if my brain can not cope with it all. One message required me to make a plan to go out biking but I could not commit to anything. I feel overloaded and I just need my brain to slow down and switch off. There is all this stuff in there going around and I do not know what to do with it or how to deal with it hence my need to write. How do I make it slow down? I want to escape. I want to run away. Everything just feels like too much. I am really struggling at the moment – not enough for anything stupid. Perhaps I just need to go to bed and wake up in a better frame of mind tomorrow. I want isolation, I do not want to speak to anyone. I don’t want Facebook, where can I hide? Will I be found? Will I return on my own accord? I am sounding mad, out of control even, but I am not (I don’t think). Is my heart beating faster? Am I breathing faster? Am I holding my breath? Don’t know? What shall I do tomorrow? Early morning swim? gym? My head is confused, am I being irate? how do I control this?