Going sick and wanting to self destruct

Live Blog Tuesday 5th September 2017 (9pm)

I wasn’t going to write this tonight for a number of reasons, but all of a sudden I feel the need to. Writing is therapeutic for me, at times like this I don’t often go live, I squirrel it away in my journal for another time, when things are easier, when my brain has processed what has happened and when I can perhaps hide from it.

Today was a work day so nothing unusual with my alarm going off a 6.10am. For some reason last night I set it to go off 10 minutes later. I don’t know what my thinking was behind that, just fancied an extra 10 minutes in bed I guess. By 6.15am I knew that I would not be going into work and would be calling in sick. When that Black Dog surfaces there is very little which I can do about it. The visions I had of sitting at my desk, staring vacantly at my computer screen were too overpowering as was my level of anxiety. The battle in my brain began, trying to process logic and reasoning from my negative thoughts but nothing would override how worthless I felt. Nothing could hide the fact that I knew I could not walk through the gates of HQ today. Nothing can hide the fact how disappointed I have felt with myself all day for not at least trying. I know I made the right decision for my own heath and wellbeing. Yes I feel beaten, I feel beaten by things out of my control.

I have tried to be rational with myself, but I can’t, all I know is at this moment in time, I don’t particularly care. A side to me which has never been evident before. Last week, I thought I was going in one direction, all of a sudden I have been spun around and pointed in a different direction. I thought I had began to settle, I was wrong. I have accepted that I suffer from depression and anxiety and I know that they could spring upon me at anytime. I suppose I was not prepared for this, but maybe I have been kidding myself and have tried to settle back into the life I once had, but I am finding it difficult.

Today I have been swimming and out for a run. Do I feel like hitting self destruct? I don’t think so, but I knew that it is what I needed to do. It is my escapism, its where I find me and hide from reality.

I am ok, I will be ok xx

2 thoughts on “Going sick and wanting to self destruct

  1. Sending you love – I hit that yesterday when I went to the fma and found myself crying in his office – today in work was also v hard – thought as I had my sunglasses on no one would see me weeping – forgot it was my reading glasses not my sunglasses – luckily I was alone – like you I thought I was beginning to be me again and logical unfeeling pc – turns out my mind thinks differently so each day that’s all we can do – each day

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Well done for writing, I had similar a few weeks back, lasted for several days. This is what I took from it, which you may also recognise, I hope you do- I saw it coming, which means that while it still happened I was slightly more prepared. That means more self awareness and knowledge which is a step forward. I also could write about it as it happened, another step forward. The low was not as bad as the previous low, probably through the self awareness and self-compassion , rather than self-judgement (that was still hard to do though). Lastly it ended and as usual I went hyper positive/active for a few days. You will get through, you have our support. One day at a time.

    Liked by 1 person

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