Thursday 5th January 2017 (7.29pm)
2/10 – Not had a good day as I feel really low and down again. It is frustrating as I do not know why. I found my counselling session difficult. I explained how I had been feeling (inadequate & worthless) and I was asked to write down why I was feeling this way. I could not think but came up with a list (original attached in journal). Words I see as ‘fat, unfit, no direction and no purpose’. I then had to put a positive spin on these thoughts and feelings which I struggled to do. In essence I have a negative perception about myself and brush off any praise as I do not believe I deserve it. My session lasted 1 hour 20 and by the end of it I told my counsellor that I wanted to jump off a bridge; but reaffirmed that I had no intention of doing so.
I received a book through the post called ‘The Space Within (finding your way back home)’, by Michael Neil. It was sent to me by a friend who I worked with at KP-McVities many years ago. We have stayed in contact through social media. We haven’t seen each other for over 10 years and it was a lovely, thoughtful thing to do… Thank you W.
Tomorrow I travel to Brighton for BBC filming. I will be back Saturday evening. ‘A’ is staying over to look after Olly. I don’t plan on bringing my journal with me but if I feel the need to write I will note it in my phone. I hope I feel better tomorrow.