I can’t go on

Friday 5th May 2017 (11.05am)

1/10 – I do not seem to be coping over the last couple of days. My mood is low and I am feeling destructive. I am in a hurt / self harm mode. I want to do something to myself but I do not know what. Why am I struggling so much? I am sat in Coffee 1 in Penarth. My head hurts and I have the same feeling / emotion as I did the night I went to Penarth beach. Do I want to end it? Can I end it? What if it all goes wrong? Selfish thoughts as I know my family and friends will be devastated. Why am I doing this to myself? How can I escape this spiral? Where is the control? What is rationale? So many questions but I cannot see to find the answers.

I see Olly and how much joy and love he brings. His face is keeping me here. I know he would be cared for without me, but I can’t do that to him.

Nothing seems real, it is like time is ticking away from me and everything seems so distant. The coffee shop is busy; there is a happy, cheerful buzz as people chat. Yet I am alone; physically I am not the only one here but mentally I am immersed in my own fuzzy bubble. I can hear the sounds around me but it is all muffled.

What will today bring? I need a plan. I want to be alone or out with Olly.

I want to talk to someone but I don’t know what to say. I have thought about contacting my counsellor but I do not want to bother her. A friend rang me earlier and I said that I was struggling. She asked if I wanted to meet. I said ‘no’. I want to isolate myself, in my world as that is a place where I can hide and I will not fail or hurt anyone.

Where do I go when I leave here. At the moment I have no idea.

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