The Highs and the Lows

Sunday 29th April 2018 (11.12am)

I will never understand depression, once I thought I did but now I am not so sure. It is like the devil, when things are going seemingly well there is an attack telling me I am not supposed to be happy. Not supposed to move on, stuck in a situation which is hard to deal with. I am going through change and a period of instability. In less than 3 weeks I will know what is going on with my job within the police. There is a distinct possibility that I will be medically retired. Whilst I have accepted this, I still feel vulnerable at the moment. Friday night is evidence of this.

I am still in therapy and still on my medication. This week I have my regular session with Mind and my 3rd counselling session through the NHS. I thought I was done with counselling but it transpires that I am not. Looking at things with a fresher head and new perspective has helped and it is good that I have the extra support over the next few weeks. My GP is always on hand but I do not have to go as regularly as I did. My head is busy, it will not switch off. The headaches are back but I know the reasons for this.

Please don’t think I am that low, I am not. I have a lot going on at the moment compounded by the fact that I am also going through a divorce. ‘They’ say as one door closes another door opens and I am confident of this both personally and professionally. It’s time to move on. It’s time for a fresh start and new beginnings. It has taken over 2 years but I finally feel ready. Ready to have that real smile back on my face, ready to see what my future is all about.

I have plans, plans which excite me, plans which involve me being me and doing what I want to do and when. Plans which may not make me the big bucks but I am not about that anymore. 

My training is still a big part of my recovery as I reflect on last week’s London Marathon and prepare for the next event. I feel physically and mentally drained and my coach is allowing for time out and easier sessions over the next few weeks. I am grateful for this. Soon I will also be taking time away to concentrate on my book away from day to day distractions. 

Time for me.

2 thoughts on “The Highs and the Lows

  1. Ah, yes, the joys of life. Just when you think there is already too much going on, you get something else thrown at you as well.

    Keep on keeping on, my lovely. You’re doing amazingly well and inspiring so many others (including me). Xxx


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