Tuesday 18th December 2018 (5.04pm)
I have not written for a while, not even in my journal. I have felt flat with very little motivation, energy or enthusiasm. Even now as I write this my head is fuzzy like there is too much interference going on. I am reminded of an old back and white TV with no signal, it is like my head has become that confused box searching for a channel to light up the screen.
Why? I don’t know. You never do know with depression and that is the annoying thing. There has been no particular trigger, nothing has set me off, in fact I have just had a lovely weekend spent with family. Nothing prepares you for this and only time will get me out of it.
I have not exercised for 3 weeks, after being hit by a virus I have not felt like it. I feel as if I have some sort of exercise hangover, maybe this past year has physically and mentally caught up with me. I feel too tired to put my trainers on which really isn’t helping my mental state. Stuck in that catch 22 situation of wanting to go but wanting to rest and knowing that if I do go then I am likely to feel better but I cannot bring myself round to it. I aiming to do something later this week, even if it is park run on Saturday. I simply need a rocket up my arse.
It is around this time of year that I plan my sport events for next. I cannot even be bothered with that. The mere thought of looking at cycle, run or swim events does not entertain me. I have some ideas as to what I may do but I cannot allow myself to commit to anything at this time. I have my final meeting with work early March and I think that this is playing on my brain more than what I think it is. Is it this that is draining me? When I receive the decision it will be 3 years since I walked out and I still know that I cannot go back.
Whatever happens with this decision I have made my mind up to progress certain things. I have been stuck in limbo for long enough and it is time to put some ideas into practice. This excites me and gives me something to look forward to but the reins are still firmly attached.
I had my medication dosage adjusted a few weeks ago (lowered), so whether this has played a part in things I do not know. I am still going to my emotional regulation therapy sessions, I have 3 left after Christmas and I am undecided if I have got anything from it.
All of this coincides with a blip I had a few weeks ago where I ended up in a place where I did not want to be. My head exploded as I took myself off in the car, my thoughts and behaviour reminiscent of what I used to do 12+ months ago. I thought I had moved on from this, and it frightened me realising that I hadn’t.
I am sure that I will dig myself out of this episode soon and once again I am grateful for those I have around me. I know I will have my fast daps and PE kit back on within the next day or so (or when it stops raining). Once I do then I know I am back on track. Until then it is about self care, Christmas shopping and tucking into tins of sweets.