It’s a strange thing depression

Monday 7th January 2019 (7.26pm)

I was hoping for a more positive start to 2019. December was not a good month. My mood was generally low, apart from the odd good or happy day. I am not into this new year, new me, new resolutions, new goals, as to me it is just another day and just another year. I do not expect miracle transformations over night and depression certainly does not know one day from another.

It is a strange thing ‘depression’, I try and explain my feelings to my partner but often I cannot describe how I feel. I have used words such as an incredible sadness x 10000 and a feeling of being so low with no self worth that I see no way out of such doom. It’s hard to make sense of how days fluctuate for no apparent reason. I have used systems to score my mood but I do not know where I am with this these days. What I do know is that at the moment my motivation to do anything is shit. There are things that I want to do and need to do but if today is anything to go by these things will be waiting a while. I put no pressure on myself but all what I have planned is stuff I enjoy. If only it was as easy as sticking a rocket up my arse.

I feel like I have wasted today. Apart from two nice beach walks with Olly I have done nothing. The run I wanted to do has not happened. A phone call regarding my knee appointment did not take place as I could not be bothered to speak to anyone. A trip to the bank to change my married name back to maiden name will have to wait.

As you know, exercise has been a big thing for me, but my motivation to even put on my PE kit is sadly lacking. I could not face park run on Saturday. Yesterday I went for my first bike ride since Ironman last September but my thoughts were often drawn to the negative rather than the positive. I cannot control what enters my head but I can supposedly control on what I ruminate on, though this is easier said than done.

There are things which I have reflected on to do with work but more of this again.

I did not want this to be a negative blog but I know many of you will be feeling the same and looking for ways to get out of the doom pit. You are not alone and you never will be. I have so many things which I am thankful for. As for now I will eat my cakes, put today aside and see what tomorrow brings.

9 thoughts on “It’s a strange thing depression

  1. I hate December!! I’ve given up trying to explain how shit I feel because I just come across as bitter & twisted? It’s a combo of the month my Mum died 5yrs ago & never having enough money to fully “enjoy” it, but honestly I hate the trappings of consumerism associated with Christmas. My mojo left me some months ago & I have tried incessantly to get it back by using my free outdoor gym known as the countryside & walking/hiking, but my Husband ruptured a disk in August so we haven’t been able to get out there as much as we wanted to, and to add insult to injury he lost his job 2 wks before Christmas. So definately have no money now!! I totally get where you are coming from & I hope you find your mojo soon, (taking it one day at a time) as do I, but I honestly cannot see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi, I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling and the circumstances which you are under. I know it is hard to see the light but it is there and we will both find it again. I hope you husband makes good progress and gets well soon. You cannot beat a lovely walk in the fresh air. This is where I am thankful for Olly who gets me out each day (which I enjoy). On a day like today it would have been too easy for me to fester. Take care lovely lady xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you! Have had an awful day and probably my last at work. My depression and anxiety has been triggered by how I have been treated and I have suffered for two years. Have not had a day off with illness since I became a teacher in 1988, tomorrow after another meeting with my boss I intend to walk out and not return.
    What is this to do with you? Well I have felt awful since my drive home, your blog has helped me feel a little less on my own and a bit more normal…
    Thank you ever so much. Kind regards.


    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much Andy for your kind and honest words. I do feel for you and I will be thinking of you tomorrow. Please let me know how it goes.
      There are so many people out there fighting the same battle and I am surprised by the amount of teachers who suffer.
      It sounds like you have had an amazing career up until recently but no amount of stress, worry or illness is worth it.
      Look after yourself tonight and I hope it all goes well tomorrow.


      1. My word thank you again for this! This has made a real difference… it can feel like it’s just yourself.

        My meeting is at 10, will step through the door with your kind words in my thoughts.

        Thank you so much again

        I hope you have a better day tomorrow also.


        Liked by 2 people

  3. I walked in at 10 05 with your kind wishes in my head. That meant more than you think and gave me optimism.

    The meeting was sadly as I had expected and I have signed out of work sick…. I feel so guilty though, even feel a fraud! But, as I drove home I also realised I can’t go on like this. Pretty empty at the moment but hopefully that painful experience is over.

    Hope you are feeling better today, sorry don’t know your name.

    Kind regards


    1. You were in my thoughts this morning and sorry I am late in replying.

      Please please please do not feel guilty. This is the last thing you should be feeling. In saying that I did when I first went sick. I argued with my Dr as I did not want a sick note. I thought I would only be off a week, almost 3 years later and here I am.

      You need to take time out, QUALITY down time, recharge and get yourself well. I hope you have good support around you. What I say to people is don’t hurry back to work and don’t feel feel pressured either. Going back too soon will put you right back. You know when time is right, however long it takes.
      You have done the hard bit.

      Look after yourself.


      Liked by 1 person

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