Sunday 27th January 2019 (12.57pm)

This is one of those days where I am not sure what I am going to say or type or even if I will hit the publish button for all to read.

I will just come out and say it… I feel so low that I do not quite know what to do with myself. I am sat in a coffee shop having just dropped Olly back at home after his morning walk. My head feels all over the place, kind of erratic but subdued not knowing what to do for the best. I have brought my book with me to read but even concentrating on that at the moment seems like a task.

I feel like I am carrying a heavy weight around me, something that cannot be shifted, or at least I have no idea how to shift it. Once again what is going on around me feels fuzzed out as people smile, chat and sip their drinks. I am sat in a corner on my own, quietly observing yet paying no attention. I wonder if people have noticed me, tapping away on my iPad. I wonder what the curious brain has thought?

It has been a week where I have pushed people away, apart from the odd day, not wanting company or conversation. Alone and lonely, some may say that is my choice. Is it? Is it my choice or is it a symptom of an illness which I cannot control but know I do not want. The only place I feel comfortable is when I am out running, swimming, biking or with Olly. It feels like it is my domain. Even exercise is becoming problematic, injuries which I have battled through and pushed to the max are really starting to cause me pain and slow me down yet I won’t stop, I can’t. I have turned down further surgery on my knees as I am bored of it. Bored of recovery. Bored of rehab. I have been through it too many times. People telling me what to do as if I am stupid, it’s all a load of bunkem.

I don’t know what else to say.

13 thoughts on “Lost

  1. Hey. I’ve been wanting to comment for a few of your posts for a while now. Feels like this is the time. Others have beaten me to the words previously. I’ve never had the courage to post publicly about my illness. However, one of my best coping tools is sharing with people I trust. Thank you for sharing today at one of your toughest moments.

    I fully appreciate you’ll struggle to clear the fuzziness enough to hear the good news in my story, but I sincerely hope this period of particular depth will be very short for you. Sounds like some of your favourite distractions are unavailable, so it’s no wonder the confused, powerlessness returns. Reading words like ‘not knowing what to do’ and ‘no idea how to shift it’ remind me of those feelings I had when I was at my worst 7 years ago. I was fortunate enough to have been saved at the very last moment by a best friend and able to find a combination of solutions that work for me.

    I found your blogs when hunting for mental health and policing a while ago now. Now I am able to approach complete strangers and honestly say, “I know exactly what you mean.”, when they talk with these same words. Only those who have had the feelings of helplessness, confusion, fuzziness, inability to make the simplest decision, etc. can truly empathise.

    All the cliches will have been used before….so I simply send a hug from a complete stranger but a survivor from the same world.


    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Stu,

      Thank you so much for writing and sharing. I really appreciate it. I hope you are now doing ok after what you went through 7 years ago. Thank goodness for your best friend eh!

      Once again thanks for your support.

      Georgie x


      1. You are very welcom Georgie and yes, each day I look forward to enjoying tomorrow. Hope you enjoyed your hot chocolate.

        Stu x

        Liked by 1 person

  2. You are not alone! There may be no one with you but you are not alone. Will be thinking of you when I’m on the bike in the morning.

    Be kind to yourself.


    Liked by 1 person

  3. You are definately NOT alone, and I hope your sadness doesn’t last too long ❤ I refer to Matt Haig “You are not your feelings, you just experience them, anger, sadness, hate, depression, fear. This is the rain you walk in. But you don’t become the rain. You know the rain will pass. You walk on. And you remember the soft glow of the sun that will come again” Big hugs ((❤))

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s