Self hatred 

Wednesday 5th June 2019 (1.48pm)

To those who saw me acting as normal on the weekend at running and swimming I hid what was going on inside my head well (I think). To those who saw me in the middle of what I would describe as a psychotic (not medically diagnosed) episode then I sincerely apologise for such irrational and out of control behaviour that I just wanted to be hated. After all I deserved to be (or so I thought).

Sitting here now and reflecting on the last few days is hard. It has taken an appointment with my GP, an ever understanding partner, and a massive frightening look back on my behalf to try and understand what went on. Whilst outside of these four walls all appeared fine as I continued with my exercise and smiling over my social media accounts, inside was definitely not the picture portrayed as I looked at ways to hurt myself.

Yes I feel a fake or a phoney for this but that is the nature of mental illness and many of you will understand the face we put on. However, all along its make belief, as secretly inside the brain everything is rapidly firing off in different directions. 

To keep some sort of rational thinking and behaviour in public was hard but I knew I had to face the world rather than hide away. This would have been detrimental allowing for more thinking time, which inevitably would have been negative.

On Saturday evening I felt such hatred towards myself I just wanted to die. If there was an impulsive way (as to where I was at the time) of me quickly ending things then I really don’t think I would be sitting here now. I was scared and frightened about what was going on with me. Shaking with fear, shouting for help but not wanting it, needing to be locked up for my own safety, but not wanting it. 

Behaviour is the outcome of an emotion, and whatever I was dealing with at the time reflected in my behaviour. I will not say what went on and what I did, but I can assure you that I am now all good, safe, and that no criminal offences took place.

Everything I did was directed at the hate, low self worth and self esteem that I have towards myself. The byproduct of this was to self destruct and hurt myself in whatever way I could, unfortunately causing collateral damage along the way.

This is where I am at now. My days roll into one another. I cannot work. I cannot earn money. I cannot do voluntary work. I cannot proceed with my sports massage for free. My hands are tied, not contributing anything to society, feeling a waste of time, feeling fed up in my own bubble. Frustrated as I wait for another psychiatrist appointment (19th June) to see where this leads and how this will effect things with my current employers or any decisions I may make. I am receiving no pay, I am receiving no benefits (as I can lift my arms above my head, feed myself and walk 100m).

I exercise and write to give me something to do, something which I know that I can do to increase my self confidence and give me structure. Of course I have Olly who makes me smile everyday.

My GP is of the opinion that what I experienced on the weekend was not psychosis or mania but an outpouring of everything that had been bubbling up inside me over the last few weeks. It all comes back to my future and not knowing where I am going and what I am doing. The pot exploded so to speak and it did so pretty spectacular. I cannot recall ever being so scared and out of control with my own head. It felt like I had been possessed and some horrific monster had invaded my body and taken over. I could not stop what was happening at the time and if I had I been a bystander I would have seriously been thinking WTF. I never want to experience that again.

As for now, the ‘calm, in control, rational’ George sits here trying to express what went on. It is hard to comprehend.

Why am I making this public and admitting how bad things were? I don’t know really. I suppose to reach out to those who have been there, are there, may go there. To say that for me it was an ‘episode’ of such heightened anxiety and stress that triggered such intense emotions which altered my behaviour that much it caused me want to die.

What got me out of it? Time, having faith that it would pass and in my ability to regain control of what was controlling me. Also knowing that I didn’t really want to harm myself or die, it was just the emotion or the behaviour taking over. The following day I was able to rationalise and verbalise what had happened and talking it through with my partner when I was ready helped immensely.

Some may think that this is crazy but sea swimming in cold water at 8.30 on Sunday morning also helped to remove the fuzz from my head (laughs). I took the featured picture whilst swimming.

*** Always seek professional help and guidance if you are experiencing emotions, thoughts, feelings or behaviour which may put yourself or others at risk ***

4 thoughts on “Self hatred 

  1. What an accurate and vivid description- yep- I have felt like this and in those moments it feels like it will last for ever but somehow, it passes doesn’t it. I am glad you have support and are being open about it, mega brave and articulate and important. X

    Liked by 1 person

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