Existing not Living

Saturday 14th December 2019 (11.47am)

Not what I want to be writing about but this is how it is and how I am. Lost. Lost in a world which is going on around me and without me whilst I struggle along in my bubbled haze. I liken it to a clip in the film Poltergeist where the young girl stares vacantly into the TV, arms out and all she sees is the black and white crackle. This is what I am looking out on to. Tunnel vision distorts my periphery. I know there is stuff going on around me but I can’t quite make it out. I am sat in a coffee shop with Olly asleep by my side, resting from his crazy beach run. He has one eye open as if to say ‘it’s ok, I am watching out for you’. I smile at him, but what does he see in these dead eyes? Pain? Sadness? mixed in with love.

A Christmas tree stands tall near to me and sitting by it a table of friends, laughing, enjoying themselves going about their normal lives. Couples drinking coffee and eating cakes. Children eating waffles and Nutella, struggling to get through a big portion whilst multi tasking with colouring books. Me, head stuck in phone writing, quietly glancing up to see that normality continues around me but not really focused.

Tonight I was supposed to be going out to my run club Christmas do, booked ages ago with my partner. A few days ago I cancelled. I can’t go. I can’t do it. Pretending to be happy is hard. Pretending to be in the Christmas spirit is hard. I would rather stay home, me and Olly, left to our own world. I am aware of other events that I am missing out on this afternoon. Somewhere where I would love to be, but that somewhere, someplace and someone no longer fits into my plans or into my future.

In the car I revert to the songs which I find comfort in. The voice of Chester Bennington, his powerful lyrics, haunted by mental illness himself and sadly a talent no longer with us. As a certain song comes on repeat, Olly looks at me as if to say ‘not again, put the Christmas tunes on mum’. I don’t. Not yet.

At times like this, I usually revert to what I know best and that’s exercise, but I am finding no comfort in that these days. Yesterday I went for a run. At times I felt like I was hyperventilating as crippling emotions ripped through me. I may go again later, if not maybe tomorrow. Who knows.

Last night I made a decision to cut ties with a lot of things, for my self preservation and healing. One of those things was my social media, but I need that to post these upbeat (PMSL) blogs. I will be on and off it over the next few weeks.

I will roll on. I will do what is best for me. I am not sure what that is yet but I have a whole heap of options available to me. Things will become clearer in the next four weeks or so. Light will shine again, I am sure of that. For now, existing is all I can do to get by each day, but if thats all I can do then that is better than nothing. Soon I will live again.

Soon George will reappear.


4 thoughts on “Existing not Living

  1. You do whatever it takes to get you through Georgie. If you don’t want to get in the Christmas spirit, then don’t. If you want to laugh, then do. If you want to stand on the beach and shout, you do that. Just do whatever sees you through the day.
    But DO remember, you are always surrounded by love.
    My ‘repeat’ song is Conquerer by Jesse Smollet.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s