Sunday 25th July 2021 11.25am
It’s been a while since I have written anything here and there are many reasons for this. It is not that I haven’t wanted to, far from it. It is predominantly down to keeping busy and not being able to make public what is currently my reality for both professional and legal reasons. The fact is that I am still frustratingly stuck in a cycle of doom with my work situation. It has been 5 years and 3 months since I walked out of my job as a then Temporary Detective Inspector within the police.
So much has happened with my case, and if I told you now, you would not believe or comprehend the how’s and why’s of certain decisions. I am thankful to every professional I have seen, including my GP, a number of psychiatrists and my current therapist. All of which have agreed that any return to the police service would be detrimental to my mental wellbeing. I still maintain, that if I was asked to return tomorrow I would not turn up. The incredible fear and overwhelming level of anxiety is too much to handle. Words of my therapist resonate with me in that the trauma experienced with ‘the job’ is too big and even a graded exposure would not work. Everyone who sees me on a regular basis and knows me can see this.
My social media life has always been very open and transparent. I have a public profile and a platform which enables me to share what I get up to. If you follow me on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter you will see this. My posts are mainly about all of the exercise I do (and Olly dog of course). Those who understand mental distress will also appreciate and understand that physical activity is beneficial to myself and those who suffer or struggle. I can’t help feeling that during my time off the finger has been pointed at me. In addition, so has my ability to intellectually function on a level that you would not associate with someone who suffers from depression, anxiety and phobic anxiety been questioned (I have graduated 3 times from university in sport science and medicine. I have a brain). It is well documented in my medical reports that I have a strong desire to achieve, I am a perfectionist, I have a fear of failure and everything I do has to be the very best. That’s what got me here right?
It is also documented by medical professionals that I am able to continue to function outside of the police but put me back into that situation and my ability to function won’t exist (my words). This was evidenced by my previous 2 attempts to return. Does anyone know what happens to me, or how I feel when I see a police car pass me in the street, or when I turn on the TV and see some cop reality show? No. I cannot even entertain entering what was my familiar and much loved work place.
This is what it is all about and not the fact that I can go and run a marathon.
Can you imagine how I feel when I hear ‘if she is well enough to exercise, get herself to events and organise herself, then she is well enough to return to work’.
Maybe today I am just having a rant, I don’t know. Maybe it’s because over the last few days I have lost my will, my fight, my desire. I have given up with listening to such pathetic and nonsensical shit. I actually feel discriminated against and my illness invalidated because I function and exercise.
Ironically, I sit here on a wooden bench on Penarth seafront. I sip a hot chocolate whilst Olly people and dog watches all that pass by. Those familiar with my earlier writings will understand the significance of this place. Maybe, that is what prompted me to write today.
Maybe I should have turned to alcohol, got bolloxed everyday and stunk of my own piss rather than exercising. If we want to look at out dated stereotypical norms.
I metaphorically ask the following:
- Does the fact that tomorrow, If I wanted to, I could run a marathon, or cycle 100 miles mean that I do not suffer from any form of mental illness? And what if I smile, take and picture and post to social media? Does this mean that I am happy and that all is right in my world? Remember, behind every photograph is an untold story.
- Does the fact that I can verbally string two sentences together and write mean that I do not suffer from any sort of mental illness? How long has this blog taken me? How many rereads? How are my levels of concentration? People only see the finished article and think nothing else.
We only have to look at some well known and incredibly talented people to realise that people, can still function like me outside of their triggers (however hard that may be). You may even be the same yourself or know of someone.
Of course, I am not going to give up on where I am. I will continue to (supposedly) inspire people and show the importance / benefits of exercise and mental wellbeing. I will soon embark on my next journey. A 186 mile run / walk of the Pembrokeshire coastal path. It’s time for me to reset, forget the world and enjoy the beauty around me. Having grown up in Pembrokeshire it is something that I am very much looking forward to. I will journal my way through it and I hope when published it is something that you will enjoy reading.
I must point out that I am currently receiving support from my organisation. Please do not think this is directed at them. They want this resolved as much as I do and are doing what they can to progress this matter. These are general comments and observations which have come my way over recent years.