Return to work eve

Since I made the decision to return to work, which begins tomorrow (as I have had a month of annual leave) many people have asked me how I feel about it. My response has somewhat changed over the last 4-5 weeks and as the day approaches, I have become more confident about what I am about to do. Give or take the two months where I retuned and then left again, April would have marked 6 years that I walked out unable to cope with life. 

So much has happened during that time, most of which is documented in earlier blogs. When I reflect, it is difficult to imagine that the person then was the same one who sits here now typing this. During this time, many people told me that things would get better. To me these were just empty words in my head, unable to see a way out.

But guess what people, things do get better and life slots back into place.

This comes from someone who stood on the edge of the cliff (more than once), took an overdose (more than once) and found myself lost on a beach planning to drown. I have been picked up by the police, been admitted to A&E (more once), seen a number of psychiatrists, been under the care of the community mental health team, had a number of different diagnoses and continue to take medication.

There is no magic word or formula which I have used to get me into this position to return. I am not cured, and I am not fixed. All I can say is that I understand myself better and that has taken a great deal of time. I know my triggers and I appreciate what works and does not work for me. 

Admittedly, work is a trigger but I know within myself that I have to give it a go. Even writing this I feel quite emotional as tomorrow is going to be the start of something new. I am telling myself to put the past behind me and look towards new beginnings. This may sound a little cliched, but it is true. I firmly believe that the last 6 years have made me a better, stronger and more rounded individual, even with all of the bumps, hurdles and mountains which I have had to climb. 

I do not regret what has happened and I would not change it.

So many positives have come out of a truly dark and desperate few years. I was given a platform to talk mental illness / distress / wellbeing and with this new people came into my life. Some people I have never physically met through the world of Instagram and Twitter I now call friends, an example of the positive side of social media. The people who I hang around with now I never knew 6 years ago, its mad how life can switch around its axis and bring people to you for a reason.

Over the years, I have spent time in numerous coffee shops, all who know my order. I write this sitting in my local Starbucks, hot chocolate in hand. Over the last 12 months or so, this place has become my go to. So many times I have walked in here when feeling rock bottom, but conversations with staff and simple words helped to pick me up. They do not know how much they have helped me and the depths of what exactly they have pulled me through. I am so pleased that I now call many of them friends and I will never forget how such kindness and conversation helped me. I certainly will not be a stranger when I return to work. Thank you.

Now I know the time is right.

I have never been mentally stronger and I am happy in my personal life.

The next few months will no doubt be tough at times but I know that I have bubble wrap around me to protect me from the knocks. I expect to hit peaks and troughs, I expect things will go my way and that things will not. This is life and how I deal with it will be a massive test to me mentally. If I struggle I know not to be afraid to hit the pause or stop button and ask for help. I have better support than ever, and I know whatever happens I am not in this alone.

Going back to the first paragraph on how I feel, I suppose I am looking forward to it, but at the same time I feel anxious and scared as to what lies ahead. Thankfully, I will be working from home, and for the first couple of months concentrating on re-training and getting used to the systems again. I still cannot go into a police station due to the level of anxiety, so for now I will remain a HQ resource and return to the public protection department. Even turning on my laptop and seeing the South Wales Police logo will be a massive step. 

Tomorrow I meet with my line manager and tomorrow DS 4045 Lloyd will be once again.

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