A ‘U Turn’

Sunday 28th August 2022

I have had a few thoughts recently about changing the structure and content of this blog. I started writing back in 2016 when my mental health nose dived and continued to do so for years to follow. I found getting the mess and confusion out of my head and onto paper therapeutic whilst helping me reorganise and reframe what was going on inside my head at that time. When I started to journal I had no intention of making my life so open and it wasn’t until the following year that I decided to create a blog for others to read. At this point I had a platform to do so and soon realised that many people resonated with my ramblings.

Jump forward to 2022 and my whole life is a far cry from what it was then which is why my thoughts around this blog have changed. Put simply, I am in a good place, my life is heading in the right direction and I am the happiest I have been in years. Yes, I have blips, more of that shortly, but the overall positive mindset has negated the need to write. This coupled with a return to work in January and being quite busy socially has not left me with much time.

Bored

I became bored of all things mental health what with it being the focus of my life for 6 years. To be in a constant state of consuming doom and negative emotion takes its toll physically as well as mentally. I did not want it to drain me and become who I am or what I am about. Over recent years the talk and emphasis on mental well-being has grown massively and I am proud to be part of the early movement on this; but for me I felt it was time to pack it away and let it go. I acknowledge that becoming unwell shaped the person I am today and even though I did what I did in times of desperation I do not regret any of it. I am glad things happened as they did but I am so very thankful for how things have turned out.

Different idea

My plan was to ditch the mental health talk and link it to my business ‘360 Fitness & Recovery’ (which goes live in September) to develop a sports medicine, and fitness knowledge hub.

Then last week I met my therapist

I am very aware of any significant changes or fluctuations in my mental health. Anyone who has experienced a mental Illness will have triggers or generally know when things are on the decline. For me I was conscious that things had not been quite right for 2-3 weeks. Leading up to this, things were great and I was happy. My thoughts, feelings and emotions then started to head off onto a different track and I was unable to shake off the negativity. It was like I wasn’t supposed to be happy and my inner head was pulling me back to the life which I had been accustomed to. Don’t get me wrong, things were not bad or nowhere near the depths of previously, it was just a rumble or a blip.

Myself and my therapist had an interesting discussion around this and I can only make sense of it by likening it to falling back into my comfort zone. Back into the zone which consumed me for 6 years, a life which I knew how to survive in and to live in. Being happy did not feel right, and in some way it felt alien and undeserved, as if it wasn’t part of the plan for me. This wasn’t a conscious decision. I didn’t tell myself to fall down the rabbit hole. I didn’t want to experience the thoughts and feelings that were troubling me. They were just there, like a gaping chasm ready to gobble me up. I have managed to get a hold on this and have hit the reset button in order to reframe what was lurking at the back of my mind.

One of the questions my therapist asked was if I still kept a journal. Saying I didn’t she advised me that I continue with it. I thought about this and realised that she was right (as usual). I know that I need to write and I still need to throw ideas around on paper or a keyboard. I do still need to talk about my mental health, it is important, but it will not dictate my plans moving forward with this blog or my life.

Balance is key (in many forms of life apparently), so that is how I will approach this blog. Thinking about what I said about being bored of mental health and writing about it is true but it helps me. I believe there is room for mental health chat and room for new ideas. There will also be an overlap as thoughts and ideas develop. To keep what goes on in my head in my head would be remiss of me. The important thing is, is that I do and write about what I feel is right.

Who knows where this will end up!