In the rabbit hole

Sunday 12th January 2020 (6.43pm)

I always know when I have fallen down the rabbit hole due to the way I change within myself. My thoughts over the last few days have been scary as I have looked at ways to self harm, destruct and completely destroy myself. Left in a chasm of depression, the pills at times have looked like an easy way out. I know the trigger. It will pass, but as and when I don’t know. 

I am on the run, physically and metaphorically. Over the last week I have immersed myself in exercise and all I want to do at the moment is run, clock up the miles, clock up the time  and just go. I cannot sit still. I am agitated. I cannot stop. I have not run today. Other priorities. I cannot go now. Tomorrow morning I am planning a long run. I need to go. I need to get out. Fed up.

I looked to escape this weekend. I looked to get away. I almost left Olly with his minder and jumped on a train to London; however, I knew that I wanted him with me so I researched options of dog friendly places to stay. We almost ended up somewhere but escaping would have not helped my situation. I had planned to run with friends over the weekend and I did not want to miss out on this. I met with my mental health worker on Friday, we both knew that time away alone in strange place would not have helped. 

My therapist who I am seeing on Tuesday will be interested in the fact that yet again I want to escape. What am I escaping / running from all of the time? Life. Am I happy? No. Do I want out of this situation? Yes.

I have not done the things that I usually find comfort in (apart from running and spending time with Olly). I am not going out (apart from running and Olly walks). I have no motivation. I sit at home. Alone in my thoughts. I do not want to eat meals. I have no appetite. I just want chocolate. I read a lot. I have other work to do. I sit here. Thinking.  Daytime TV. This afternoon I learnt that an Indian takeaway has the same amount of fat as 89 mini cocktail sausages. 


One thought on “In the rabbit hole

  1. Thinking of you and wishing you well.

    I’m rubbish at offering advice but I can send you my hopes and best wishes. Hold on and be kind to your self.

    As I said… thinking of you.

    Thank care


    Liked by 1 person

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